Birthday Bothers
by Coral
Summary: In response to the MajChar Challenge, in which a Majel Character has a birthday... but doesn't know it.


Birthday Bothers  
By Coral Leane   
  
  
Rating: PG  
Pairings: P/1  
  
Notes: In answer to Deb's challenge: To write a fic where one of Majel's characters has a birthday, but doesn't know it...  
  
The PADD story format is not new.  
  
Dedicated to Charon, just because.  
  
  
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To: Captain Pike  
From: Doctor Boyce  
Subject: Records  
Time: 1001 hours  
  
Chris -  
Whilst going through the crew records in an attempt to assess who hadn't yet turned up for their annual checkup, I happened to notice that the birthdate in a certain First Officer's file was missing. Any ideas why? I hesitate to mention it to said woman; I never have liked operating on myself.  
-Phil  
PS. Your checkup is tomorrow, 0300. Don't be late.  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: Pike  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1005 hours  
  
Glad to see you still have some sense of self preservation, you old seadog. The person in question has no birthday that I'm aware of, though.  
-Chris  
PS - Not funny.  
-----------  
To: Pike  
From: Boyce  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1007 hours  
  
Immaculate conception but twice as clever?  
-Phil  
PS - Good, I'm serious.  
-----------  
To: Boyce - far too nosy for his own good  
From: Pike - who has better things to do.  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1009 hours  
  
Something like that. Bring it up with her if you must know; I'm sure she'd love to tell you all about it. That's why it isn't in her records at all that she's a test tube experiment.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Boyce - who had best keep his mouth shut  
From: Pike - who is in big, big trouble.  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1009 hours  
  
Damn. Tell me I did NOT send that. She'll kill me. I swear, she will.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Pike - Possible Walking Corpse  
From: Boyce - Innocent  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1010 hours  
  
Should I start preparing the autopsy lab?  
-Phil  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: The Doomed Captain Pike  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1011 hours  
  
Severe lacerations, multiple chest wounds, internal bleeding, concussion and asphyxiation. I didn't even need the lab; can I have your job? My life is free for the taking.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: The Late Captain Pike  
From: Boyce, Medical Genius.  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1011 hours  
  
My life is free for the taking.  
Are you *trying* to give the XO ideas?  
It has occured to me, though, that I could probably go through her medical records and determine a rough date of birth. Reports, scans - anything could help. If that information that you didn't give me earlier and I recall nothing of is correct, there will be lots of little signs I could look for. Genetic markers or the breakdown of certain particles could help.  
I may have to call her in for a deep level tissue scan, mind you. But I'm sure you can come up with a good excuse.  
-Phil  
-----------  
To: Boyce, who may soon be equally late  
From: Pike, in hiding  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1013 hours  
  
You're kidding me. I swear you are. When did tormenting the Captain become such a pastime? Isn't it enough that she'll kill me if she finds out you know? I'll haunt you for this. I swear on my ... um ... Captain's Chair.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Pike, dead man walking.  
From: Boyce, pretty impressed with himself  
Subject: Re: Records  
Time: 1016 hours  
  
Wasn't hard at all. And no need for those tissue scans. Her birthday's tomorrow.  
-Phil  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: Pike  
Subject: Tomorrow  
Time: 1450 hours  
  
Sorry about the length of time answering; you may have noticed the ship rocking a bit. Tomorrow? That gives us, what? Nine hours and ten minutes! Couldn't you have found this out earlier?! We can't let a senior officer's birthday go without a party; it's unheard of!  
-Chris  
attachment: starfleet reg 7/54/47 - birthdays.txt  
-----------  
To: Pike  
From: Boyce  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1455 hours  
  
Yes, I had noticed one or two rather large explosions. Like the one that forced us to evacuate sickbay and nearly killed two of my nurses. I assume it wasn't a certain feisty first officer after your blood?  
That's in the REGS?! No wonder you persist in throwing parties for Spock despite his protestations.  
She'll kill us both for this.  
-Phil  
-----------  
To: Boyce, Dead Man Walking...  
From: Pike, ditto  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1505 hours  
  
We don't have any choice. If you'd just thought to leave well alone...!! But no, you had to condemn both of us to death row. We'll call a meeting of all senior staff in my quarters at 1900. Luckily, She has bridge duty then.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Commander Joseph Kaderrah  
From: Captain Christopher Pike  
Subject: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY  
Time: 1507 hours  
  
Required: One Birthday Cake, to be delivered to the Rec Room at 1200 hours tomorrow.   
NO WORD OF THIS MUST REACH THE EXECUTIVE OFFICER BY ORDER OF THE CAPTAIN.  
Have a nice day, Joe.  
-----------  
To: Pike  
From: Boyce  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1508 hours  
  
Don't forget presents. Very important.  
-Phil  
-----------  
To: Lieutenant Spock  
From: Captain Christopher Pike  
Subject: REC ROOM - LT. SPOCK'S EYES ONLY  
Time: 1508 hours  
  
Pull all the yeomen you need and get the Rec Room decorated for the XO's birthday party at 1200 tomorrow. Not a word to her about it, and that's an order.  
-----------  
To: Chris Pike  
From: Joe Kaderrah  
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY  
Time: 1510 hours  
  
You trying to break a certain woman's defenses down, Chris? This is a LOW one, even by your standards. Everyone knows the walking coolant unit doesn't have a birthday.  
-Joe  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: Pike  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1510 hours  
  
Don't stress yourself needlessly; could be bad for you at your age. I have a present ready - I meant to give it to her last week, but, hey, maybe I knew this would happen.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Pike  
From: Boyce  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1512 hours  
  
Last week? What was special about last week?   
-Phil  
-----------  
To: Joe Kaderrah, who is pushing it  
From: Chris Pike  
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY  
Time: 1512 hours  
  
Don't call her that, and she does. It's tomorrow. Not a word to her about it, mind you.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: Pike  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1513 hours  
  
Nothing.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Chris  
From: Joe  
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY  
Time: 1513 hours  
  
Oh, touchy! It must be lurve...  
-Joe  
-----------  
To: Pike, stupider than he looks  
From: Boyce, cleverer than you think  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1514 hours  
  
Last week was Valentine's Day, according to the Ship's Computer. Is there something going on I should know about?  
-Phil  
-----------  
To: Boyce, who is a dead, dead man  
From: Pike, who could easily bust Boyce down  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1515 hours  
  
I think you're letting your imagination run away with you, Boyce. She's pretty, attractive, calm, collected, and drop dead gorgeous, but I have no interest in her at all.  
Not in that way, anyway.  
What is it with you guys? Kaderrah's convinced I'm seeing her each night as it is; now you're in on it too!  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Pike  
From: Boyce  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1517 hours  
  
It's the drool that gives it away, Chris. Get a bib.  
-Phil  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: Pike  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1520 hours  
  
I was going to come up with a scathing comment, but I'm not sure you're worth it.   
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Joe  
From: Chris  
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY  
Time: 1520 hours  
  
Just bake the goddamn cake.  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Capt Pike, touchy  
From: Kaderrah, cool as a cucumber  
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY  
Time: 1521 hours  
  
Will do.  
-Joe  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: Pike  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1522 hours  
  
Phil? You there?  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: Pike  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1525 hours  
  
Doctor Boyce? You there?  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Boyce  
From: Pike  
Subject: Re: Tomorrow  
Time: 1535 hours  
  
This isn't funny...  
-Chris  
-----------  
To: Captain Christopher Pike  
From: Your Somewhat Irritated First Officer  
Subject: This illogical, ill-thought out nonsense.  
Time: 1545 hours  
  
Hello, Chris.   
I thought you might like to know that I found Dr Boyce's PADD discarded in the corridor. Dr Boyce himself is in sickbay; he seems to have met someone who was a little ticked off with him.  
I have no idea who that could be.  
Mind you, I doubt he'll be lonely. There was an entire afternoon's worth of messages in here, which I accidentally saw. I am now also in possession of Joe Kaderrah's PADD. Careless man.  
If anything - I repeat, ANYTHING - out of the ordinary happens at 1200 hours tomorrow, I assure you the consequences will not be pretty. I don't have a birthday, is that understood? You were stringing them along, whatever - we all know your twisted sense of humour. I'm sure you can come up with an acceptable excuse? Right?  
And thank Boyce for me. Now that I know when my birthday is, I have to fill in all the forms again. Fun. Plus, I have to try and dodge this charade each year.  
In the meantime, I think we could arrange to have dinner in my quarters. This present sounds promising, Chris, and I'd hate to see it wasted. I know you have that bottle of champagne put by, too.  
-----------  
To: All Crewmembers, USS Enterprise  
From: Captain Pike, USS Enterprise  
Subject: Rumours  
Time: 1550 hours  
  
For those of you who may not appreciate my "twisted sense of humour", yesterday's rumours about a party were just a joke.  
I would like to confirm that tomorrow is NOT our First Officer's birthday, there is NOT going to be a party, and I am NOT giving her the day off tomorrow so that she can relax.  
Furthermore, I am NOT madly in love with her.  
-----------  
To: All Crewmembers, USS Enterprise  
From: Captain Pike, USS Enterprise  
Subject: Rumours - addendum.  
Time: 1551 hours  
  
DAMMIT!   
I didn't mean to send that.  
  
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End file.
